


10 Ways of Coping

by bemoretea



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coping, Death, M/M, Sad Zayn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, like a lot of angst basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:17:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5200445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bemoretea/pseuds/bemoretea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam dies, and Zayn doesn't know how to cope with the loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I decided to bring this back cause I had a chapter for this that was nearly finished. I don't know if you guys liked it or not, but yeah....

It’s raining, and Zayn thinks it’s the perfect weather to describe the way he’s feeling: gloomy and dark; the color in his life has escaped from him. Everyone has their raincoats on, or they’re tucked underneath an umbrella, warm and dry. Zayn’s the only one who takes the rain as it pours on top of him; he’s wet and cold, and he has this horrible hollow feeling inside that’s been nagging at him since the day he got the dreaded phone call.

He remembers that day so clearly. That day when Liam had gone to the grocery store, promising to come back and kissing Zayn before leaving. That day when Zayn waited hours on end for Liam to return, come busting through their front door, and apologize for being late. That day when he received a phone call from a man telling him there had been an accident and that he needed to get to the hospital. That day when the police told him it was an armed robbery, and Liam was trying to be a hero. That day when the doctors told him there was nothing else they could do. That day when Zayn’s world came to a halt even though everyone else’s was continuing just fine. That day when Zayn stopped being happy, stopped being anything.

Now all Zayn can do is watch from the sidelines as Liam’s ‘closest family’ speak about him; the same family that demanded he leave the house when Liam came out; the same ones who hadn’t contacted him in years.

“Liam was always so happy—”

_You don’t know about the nights he cried over you._

“We loved him so much—”

_He was my whole world._

“It’s so sad that he had to leave us so soon—”

_I want him back. I need him back._

Zayn could feel every ounce of himself leave as he watched them lower the casket. All that’s left behind is an empty shell of what Zayn once was. Louis, his and Liam’s friend, comes up to him and offers some of his umbrella. Zayn merely stares at him until Louis sighs and pats him on his back, telling him to ‘take care’. There’s nothing left to take care of; he’s empty. He’s nothing.

 

And all Zayn can do now is sit in their once shared home - a puddle forming on the ground from his wet body and tux, the same tuxedo he wore when he met Liam at Niall’s friend's engagement party, the same tuxedo he would never wear again - and wonder how he’s going to be able to continue after this, how he’s going to be able to cope.


	2. Coping #1: Avoiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zayn doesn't want to see anyone

It’s ridiculous how cliché it is, but once you lose someone that was once so fundamental, there’s nothing left to look forward to. Those endless texts of ‘come hang out’, ‘movie night @ my place’, ‘party tonite b there’ all seem meaningless now that that one thing that brought you joy is gone. Nothing else matters. Zayn knows hanging out with his old best friends wouldn’t be the same; he wouldn’t ‘feel better’; he wouldn’t ‘finally smile for once’ because Liam wouldn’t be there.

And no matter how hard they try to convince him, he doesn’t want to deal with anyone or anything again. He makes sure to lock his door every single day; his friends had tendencies to barge in without warning, and he couldn’t face them anymore.

A joke would be thrown out, and all Zayn would think about was how funny Liam would think it’d be. He’d walk into Niall’s home and think about the second time he got to see Liam, and the first time they made out in the bathroom.

Everything’s Liam, and Zayn can’t handle having those flashbacks haunt him and tear him apart, reminding him of what he lost.

The first person to try is Niall.

He knocks on the door, making a small beat, and Zayn ignores it; he remains on the floor of their living room with a blanket wrapped around him.

“Zayn? I miss you.”

_I miss Liam._

“Can I come in…?”

_Why can’t you be Liam?_

“Please… Just answer me, yeah?”

_There’s nothing left to say._

He doesn’t know how long Niall stayed there, behind the door. All he knows is it got quiet after that, and he absolutely hates it. It was never quiet when Liam was around. And the quiet now is a constant reminder of what Zayn didn’t have anymore.

 

The second person to try is Harry.

He knocks louder than Niall did. And when Zayn doesn’t say anything, he just knocks again and again and again. Zayn thinks he’s angry.

“Open the damn door, Zayn!”

_I can’t face any of you without thinking about him._

“Goddamit, Zee, you’re making everyone worried and upset. Just let me in!”

_It hurts so much._

“We want to see you again…”

_I want Liam back._

He assumes Harry leaves promptly after that. He abandons his phone once it rings for the umpteenth time, turning it off and dropping it in the toilet. Harry comes back again a few days later. There’s nothing but a bunch of shuffling behind the door, like someone trying to break in. The only reason he knows it’s Harry is because once the person realizes it’s hopeless, he hears a crash and then a deep, raspy voice muttering, “Zayn…”

 

The last person to try is Louis.

It isn’t until a full week after Harry’s visits that he comes over. The knock is light – Zayn barely heard it – as if Louis were afraid; knowing Louis, he probably is. If anyone hates this as much as Zayn does, it’s Louis, and Louis was always so careful about hiding his feelings, his thoughts. Thinking about Liam would bring them all out.

“C’mon, Zee, this isn’t funny anymore,” Louis whispers behind the door.

It’s the first time Zayn gets up in weeks; he heads on over the door and leans against it. Louis was close with Liam, and Zayn feels as though Louis understands him.

“You must smell horrid, yeah?” Louis chuckles softly.

Zayn sniffs lightly, and yeah, it’s been a while since he last showered. Maybe Louis’s right.

“Who would’ve thought Mr. Obsessed With Looks would be as disheveled as you are right now,” he jokes; he’s hiding again.

So Zayn waits as Louis goes on and on about his promotion at work; how he and Niall have become a thing and have recently moved in together. He keeps on joking around, mentioning he can smell Zayn from outside. It’s quiet and subtle, but Zayn still hears it, the sob that escapes Louis’s mouth.

He can’t hide anymore.

“Zayn… I miss him,” Louis chokes out as his sobs grow louder.

_Me too, Louis… Me too._

Louis says nothing else as his body shakes from the loud sobs escaping his mouth, fat tears falling freely from his eyes; he slides down the door and buries his head in his arms that are resting on top of his knees.

It’s the first time Zayn finds himself crying since the funeral. He takes a shaky breath in as he feels his cheeks moisten. The cry he lets out is strangled and whiny.

Louis actually smiles once he hears it. It’s the first time he’s heard Zayn since the funeral. He’s okay; he’s been taking care of himself, poorly, but he still has. He’s alive; he’s _okay._

They cry against each other, separated by a simple door. Zayn doesn’t know how long they take; all he remembers is Louis’s fingers sliding underneath the door, curling as Zayn hesitantly places his own fingers on top of them. They’re removed soon after; Louis’s crying is gone, and it’s silent again before Zayn lays down on the floor and falls asleep.

They stop trying.


	3. Coping #2: Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zayn discovers alcohol

Zayn never had a drop of alcohol in his entire life. Liam used to have a bad kidney, so he never drank much either; the both of them tended to stay away from alcohol even after Liam’s kidney healed. But as Zayn finds himself back in the office, his absences were excused due to the loss of a loved one, he realizes he’s got nothing to look forward to.

He used to look back and forth between his work and his clock, waiting for his hours to end so he can rush home and snuggle with Liam on the couch, but now… He finds himself stuck in the cubicle with no sense of purpose anymore. What’s left?

He drags himself out of the office once his shift ends. He’s watching from a bench as people walk by with smiles on their faces, rush to get to their destination, or are spending their day close to their loved ones. Not a single of them care that Liam’s gone; none of them knew him and never will. Zayn clenches his newly purchased phone in his hand; it isn’t fair. It could’ve been any one of them, Zayn thinks selfishly. Why did it have to be Liam? Why is Zayn forced to feel this emptiness inside of him while everyone else gets to go home to _someone?_

It’s after he’s glaring at the people moving past him that he notices the bar across the street. He’s 28 years old; he deserves this. His movements are fast and eager; he needs this.

He’s gulping drinks down left and right before he knows it. Everything’s fuzzy and blurry, and that constant aching in his heart is gone. He smiles to himself; this feels g _ood_. The drinks are slowing down; the bartender states he shouldn’t drink anymore.

_I need to forget._

Zayn never wanted to be one of those alcoholics that derived their problems from a major impact in their life, but he now understands why they ended up that way. The alcohol helps; he drinks to forget. To forget the constant memories of Liam that never seem to stop flooding his mind. To forget the pain Liam left behind and seemed to take residence within his heart. To forget that he lost his one chance of happiness.

He even forgets that Liam’s gone.

 “More!” Zayn demands; his words are slurred, and he’s having trouble keeping still as his body sways in his seat.

The bartender takes his phone and dials the first contact in his recent texts.

Harry picks up after the first ring. “Zayn?”

“Um… This is Stacy from the pub called The Mayflower; I work as a bartender, and your friend, Zayn, here might need to get picked up. He’s pissed drunk.”

Harry sighs and gets up; he can hear noise in the background. He can distinctly here Zayn shouting ‘more’ over and over again, followed by crashes and banging.

“I’d prefer it if you’d come quickly, yeah?” Stacy suggests.

“On my way.”

When Harry arrives, security is taking hold of a drunk Zayn, and Zayn is thrashing against them, screaming and shouting incoherent words.

He takes him from their grasp and drags him out of the door.

Zayn’s shoved into a bench; he looks up to find an angry Harry.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Zayn? You’ve never drank any alcohol before; why are you doing this? How could you be—”

He tries to pay attention, but he turns his head to the left and notices a figure in the distance. The figure is beckoning Zayn over, and it takes Zayn squinting to realize he knows that familiar build; the tall height and broad shoulders.

 _Liam_. 

He gets up and starts running towards it, ignoring Harry’s shouting of his name. “Liam!” he exclaims, running as fast as his drunken legs can take him. The closer Zayn gets, the farther the figure moves. He’s trying to reach him, but no matter how fast he moves, the figure is always faster.

Arms are wrapping around him, and he’s eventually tumbling to the floor.

“N-No! Liam!” Zayn’s squirming, trying to get out from underneath Harry, but the figure merely waves before it disappears. Zayn’s breath hitches as his eyes fill with tears.

The screeching cry that comes out of Zayn’s mouth causes Harry to flinch. He sits up and brings Zayn with him as he engulfs him in a hug.

Zayn’s then shaking with long, heart-wrenching sobs against Harry. “H-He was right there…! You let him leave me! He’s gone! He’s… gone.”

Harry shuts his eyes and merely squeezes Zayn a bit tighter as Zayn cries against him. He’s being shoved away shortly afterward before Zayn crawls over to the edge of the sidewalk and pukes out most of the alcohol he drank tonight.

“Let’s get you home,” Harry whispers.

_Liam is my home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know how to end this one! Hope y'all enjoy it anyway :(


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